The last few months have been interesting.
In March, I felt God wanted me to undertake a 40-day fast. I know, it sounds extreme and it is, which is the whole point. I started out pumped up and stoked for all the revelations I would soon be having and the new lease on life I would get... oh sweet child. Sweet, naive thing. I ended nine days into it as a sniveling, crying blob of defeat on the floor. It was awful.
(I don't say that because fasting in and of itself is awful, nor do I want to discourage anyone else from fasting if you feel God has called you to fast. I just want to be honest about my experiences.)
I was ok until around day 5/6 when I started producing massive amounts of stomach acid and feeling nauseated 24/7. I had heartburn nonstop and began puking several times. I made it about an hour into the tenth day before I gave up. I was so violently ill, I didn't want to go on. I felt absolutely defeated.
Come to find out, I was suffering from a sickness that the rest of the family was soon battling as well. So it didn't have a lot to do with fasting, I was just sick.
With that knowledge, I decided to try again. Two weeks later, I was back to fasting. I suppose I just wanted to be able to finish what I had started.
The first four days went by with no problem. I felt good, I was walking every day and meditating on Scripture, it was great... and then come days 5 and 6. I feel the heartburn creeping in again, then the hunger picks up, only ten times stronger than last time. By day 7, I was in complete nauseated misery yet again. I lasted until day 8 that time. It turns out that it's really difficult to be a full-time mom/teacher while fasting. I can better understand now why so many other people remove themselves from their normal routines and experiences in order to fast, free of distractions and responsibilities.
For a few days, I was really disappointed. I had twice failed to do something I had really felt God wanted me to do. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I do this? But now, those negative feelings are fading and I am happy with what was accomplished. Those 17 days of fasting really went a long way in helping me. My general attitude has improved, I have started healthier habits like walking 5 miles every day and severely limiting my consumption of wheat, sugar, and caffeine, and I feel mentally stronger and emotionally lighter than I did before. All great things.
I think the point of the fasting (for me) was less about reaching a certain number, and more about why I was attempting it at all. I wanted to please God. During those fasts, I did not feel God's presence much at all. Truth be told, He felt even further away than before I started. As I mentioned before, I really wondered if I was doing something wrong? But then I heard something last week that really encouraged me. I was watching God's Not Dead 2 and in one scene, the grandpa is trying to encourage his granddaughter and he says something like, "The teacher is always quiet during the test." When I heard that, I immediately thought of my fasts.
I wasn't doing anything wrong, God was just watching to see how I would react and respond to the test. And afterwards, He helped me back up, dusted me off and sent me back down the path again.
So yeah, I'm obviously not the poster child for fasting, but that's ok. I learned a lot and I think it really did help me to grow and learn and let go of some baggage I didn't need to be hanging onto. I might do it again at some point, probably not anytime soon, but eventually.
So that's what's been going on with me the last two months. Spring is all about new life and growth and that's definitely what's been going on with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment