I have been in a valley. It's bone-dry there, no trees, no bushes, just flat, expansive desert land. I have been here for awhile, trudging along, wondering what the point of it all was? Why was I having such a hard time, while others seemed to be on a mountaintop, singing their hearts out with gratitude and power? Why was I alone in this awful place with no comfort?
There is a verse in Proverbs that talks about a merry heart doing good like medicine but a broken spirit dries the bones. It used to be a joke my sister, Andrea, and I shared. We used to tell the other that they were drying our bones and it would be a reminder to buck up. I miss that camaraderie... especially when my spirit is so broken I can not see the light anywhere.
It is a hard thing to grow up, to let go, to say goodbye. I've gotten only a little better than I used to be. I still cry when I leave people I love. I still miss them with every breath in my body. But I have resigned myself to the fact that nothing in life is permanent and there's nothing I can do about it.
Anyway, this lonely, joy-sapping place is where I've been traversing for a few months. It's taken a toll on me, my kids, and my husband. I felt very distant from everyone and everything in my life that should bring me joy and happiness. Lonely, sad, bitter, cut-off... it's a great place to be, I tell ya. Only not really. Please don't find yourself here.
Last week, we had a very dear man come stay with us for a few days. Pastor Daniel. He came to us from a town on the west coast of India, where he runs a mission that helps care for widows and orphans.
I had never met him and had never housed a missionary before, so I went into a fit of cleaning and preparation before he arrived, working myself up into a storm of worry. I worried he would see the messes, see how wild my children can be, see the daily struggles we go through with Skyla's sass and Levi's stubbornness, that he would see me struggling through my valley and rain down the judgement.
Will couldn't understand why I was so worried, he was looking forward to meeting this man he'd been conversing with on facebook for months. I couldn't find a way to explain why I felt this way, so I stopped trying and just threw my anxiety into cleaning.
Pastor Daniel arrived on Monday afternoon and in him I found a surrogate father and fast friend. He was gentle, calm, but carried all of the authority of a prophet of the old testament or one of the apostles. He told us about India, the food and culture, and the people. Will and I sat for hours, listening to him describe the hardships and also the joys. I was enraptured with the stories. He would ask questions about us, how we'd met, how we became Christians/spirit-filled. I was anxious when I related my testimony and stories. I was waiting for God to tell Pastor Daniel that I was not fit for his company, that I was an imposter with little faith who had never been used to perform any miracles, prophecies, or healings for Him. But I found no condemnation, only thoughtful consideration. I think Pastor Daniel sensed that I was already broken and there was no need to take me further into the valley.
Wednesday night, after the kids were put to bed, we were chatting for a few minutes before Pastor Daniel suggested we pray. I was anxious. When Pastor Daniel prays, you can feel a very tangible presence of God on him. He prayed for a long while, sharing words of knowledge, prophecies, encouragement and love. It was through his prayer that my soul experienced healing. I remembered the love I once had, the peace and comfort.
For a long time, I had seen others with such a clear sense of what God wanted from them, what their "gift" was, and I was envious of the certainty it afforded them. I had no sense of any gift, no idea what God wanted from me; in truth, I often joked that I was the appendix in the body of Christ because I had seemingly no use. As Pastor Daniel prayed, he talked about a gift of discernment and how I was usually able to quickly discern whether something or someone was of God or not. This took me by surprise, as I often have a definite feeling about people one way or another, especially those professing to be Godly. I hadn't really considered this to be anything out of the ordinary, just chalked it up to my untrusting nature, but Pastor Daniel acknowledged it as a gift from God. He said I would be like Deborah, a judge for God to help guide and lead. Those words awoke something in me, a sense of worth. I felt valued. I felt loved. I had been given something after all and God did want to use me. Like a balm on a wound, those words soothed my bruised spirit. God had spoken through Pastor Daniel that night and let me know that I was not forgotten. There were many other revelations and encouragements, too, but that was the one that had the biggest impact on my spirit.
I felt a renewed sense of purpose and worth. It is because of this that I want to encourage those of you who may be in a spiritual valley. Keep going. You will not be there forever. I know it is so hard and you want to just stop, but don't. You have a value far beyond anything earthly could compare to. Jesus loves you, He wants you. If He can use me, if He can salvage me and change my heart, mind, and soul, He can do it for you. You are not an appendix with no seeming use.
You have value... and you are loved.
Rachelle
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